kickin' it with miniBruce...

OMG!!!

2007-02-23T22:33:00.000-05:00

Our boy, miniBruce, has resurfaced. Catch up on old times with him on MySpace.

http://myspace.com/original_minibruce

and he does flips off into the kick-ass sunset...

2005-04-12T19:06:00.000-05:00

Well, this is it, folks. I'm hanging up the nunchucks. As you can tell, I haven't had the time to update the ol' blog the way that I used to. There are just too many things going on in my life to allow the time to dedicate to it. I'll miss everyone that I met along the way, and... who knows? Maybe, I'll be back, but, as it looks at the moment, it doesn't look good, my friends. Don't cry for me, Blogrentina! Stay sexy, kids!

P.S - if you feel the urge to email me for any reason, direct it to:
ME

Not the Easter Bunny...

2005-03-27T13:36:00.000-05:00

Okay, so he's not the Easter Bunny, but his brother is here with a message for you fine folks on this special day....

Hey kids, it's Stoner Bunny here. I wanted to wish everyone out there a totally righteous day of Easter. My li'l bro, Bobbie the Easter Bunny, is out there workin' his tail off getting all those tasty treats to the kiddies. He's also hiding mucho eggs for people to hunt. So, I hope all his hard work totally pays off and you all have a rockin' time. Me? I'm just chillin' like a villian. I'm gonna' go check out those tasty waves that are rollin' into the beach out here. My bro, Doobie, just informed me that we are getting 9 and 10 foot swells. SWEET! My man, Fredo, just scored a pound of the most beautiful ganja I've ever inhaled, so after we hit the waves, we'll prob'ly toke up and munch on a bunch of chocolate bunnies and marshmallow peeps. Alright, dudes and dudettes... catch ya' later.

Ain't nobody got moves like these!

2005-03-26T16:40:00.000-05:00

So, an anonymous reader posed a question to me in the word of wisdom section of my Dance 360 post:

MiniBruce, I need a dance instructor. Can you teach me how to master those moves?

Well, with the new schedule that I am currently commited to, I am unable to open my door to people looking for tips on being straight up sexy, incredibly kick-ass, or even fantastically philosophical. So, I am unable to provide you with the instruction on moves like mine. For that I am sorry. But I will suggest this... Bob Rizzo's Hip Hop Fuzion w/ Greg Russell. Now, that's an instructional video if I ever saw one. I mean, just look at that title... it just screams b-boy, doesn't it? Plus, look at the cover that sports the picture of Greg Russell... oh, you know his moves are deadly. I know, you're probably thinking, "He looks like that dork at my highschool that everyone used to beat up... even the cheerleaders. But then one year, he showed up on the first day looking like a backup dancer for the Backstreet Boys and talking like he was in the biz... until he got the white boy funk smacked outta him by the real breakers!!" Yea, he may look like that, but this boy got the skills to pay the bills.

Ok, I'm lying... this guy sucks.The truth is, you wanna know how to master these moves? It ain't gonna happen, 'cause ain't nobody got moves like these!! But if you wanna get some tips on how to break into breakin'... pun intended... then go here: How To Breakdance. Good luck in your journey to master the moves, whoever you are.

Back in the sack...

2005-03-26T10:21:00.000-05:00

Did everyone miss me?... well, again, I apologize for it being so long since the last post. The truth is that I have a new job. The government won't let me tell you what it is, but lately it's taken a lot out of my free time. But I apologize.
So, I gather evryone had a great St. Pat's? I did. What's better than green beer? I mean, really. IsLifeLame asked if I had too many pints of "the green goodness"... well, maybe... If you end up looking like the incredible hulk for a while, does that count as too much?

But, I am back again... but I will have to warn you now... the posts might very well be slowing down for a bit while I get used to the new job. I won't go for so long without posts but they won't be daily like I started out with. I'm sorry. I know you can't get enough of my hard body and sexy sexiness.

It's St. Patrick's Day!

2005-03-17T13:59:00.000-05:00

What are you doin' readin' this?!

Go get'cha ya drink on, bitches!!

Tag Your Man! Tag Your Man! Tag Your Man!

2005-03-15T14:14:00.005-05:00

Okay, so now I'm hooked on this latest TV craze... Dance 360! I watched one episode and I was hooked like a crack addict! For those of you that don't know, Dance 360 is a dance-off of sorts on TV (check your local listings), hosted by Kel Mitchell and Fredro Starr and DJ K-Sly on the "wheels of steel". The idea of the show is simple. It goes like this...
First, the hosts pick six random people from the audience (or the party people, as they are refered to) that each come into the circle (the 360) and show the rest of us a sample of their stuff. Then, with the six people around the circle, Kel goes in the middle and points at one. That person must go into the circle and dance to the beat that K-Sly plays for us. Then the Dj scratches and the "party people start chanting "Tag your man! Tag your man! Tag your man!". Then the person dances picks one of the others and that person starts dancing in the circle. Next, the DJ scratches again and the audience chants "Head to head! Head to head! Head to head!" That's when it gets real serious. They then both do a dance off in the circle. When the stop the "party people" judge the two by ratings on a noise meter. The lowest score goes back to the party people. That round leaves us with 3 contestants.
Next round is the "Master the Move" round. Fredro goes in the audience and picks three other people, and they each must show us one dance move that they think nobody else can do. The contestants have to duplicate the moves that they are assigned or do their best. They also have to put some stank on it, meaning they have to make it look kick-ass. Then, the party people judge again and the lowest score joins them. Now, we're left with the 2 finalists.
The final round is simple. Contestant one dances. The Dj scratches and the audience chants "Tag you man!" The other contestant dances. They switch again (so each dances solo twice). Then there's the head to head. The party judge, and the winner walks home with a chuck of change and a bunch of stuff. The end.
The show is pretty kick-ass sometimes, cause they'll get some people on there that can really move... not like me, of course.But then they'll get somebody on there that dances like... well, let's just say that I've seen statues with better moves. Anyway, I'm trying to get on, so hopefully you'll see me on there schoolin' everyone on the true b-boy style.

Just watch this quick film clip that I have looped for just a sample of my moves.

Just a friendly reminder...

2005-03-12T15:47:00.000-05:00

Just a friendly reminder from Mr.Toiletbowl Dude....

Toilets are for poopoo and peepee... not toy submarines, golf balls, or small chucks of someone that you decided to chop up after they told you that having a relationship like the one you have with your mother is a little too much like one that Norman Bates would have had. Remember kids, treat your toilet with plenty of good plumbin' lovin', and you'll enjoy many years of happy flushing!

Hell's no place for snow!

2005-03-11T10:52:00.000-05:00

So, when I was in Asheville, there was a bit of snow. Awesome indeed. So, of course, I took the opportunity to catch up on my snow angel making. Jeez, it had been so long since I had been able to do that. Where I currently live, there is no snow... ever! Just heat.... lots of friggin' heat... it's like walking around on the surface of the sun... NO! it's like living in hell!! Yep, that's exactly what it's like... HELL! It's like anyday now, the devil himself will come up to you and say, "You know it's not so much the heat... it's the humidity!"

Page 123

2005-03-10T15:14:00.000-05:00

So, I was catching up on my reading of posts on TooMuchSexy when I read about Page 123. Here are the instructions...

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next three sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for the "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it. Just grab whatever is closest.

So here is my contribution...

"I would say we've got a nice lower-middle-class clientele bent on making contact with members of the opposite sex."
"What would you say if I told you that the blonde in the clinging jersey is a working prostitute?"
Carella looked at the woman.

taken from Sadie When She Died, a story from The Best Of Mystery by Alfred Hitchcock

I must admit that this wasn't an easy thing to get. Trying to follow the directions in this task wasn't easy. The closest book was a dictionary... that, I fealt, didn't really count. The second closest book was a book of photography... no words. The next books were small poetry books and none of them even had 123 pages. Finally, the closest actual book with words and more than enough pages was the one I submitted. Finally.

Vanderbilt built the Biltmore.

2005-03-09T16:47:00.001-05:00

So, since I was in Asheville, for the wedding, I decided to check out the world famous Biltmore House and Gardens which was built by George Vanderbilt in 1895. This 250 room mansion kicks ass in a way that buildings don't often do.

Biltmore House took 6 years and 1,000 men to build. With just over 4 acres of floor space it contains 250 rooms, 65 fireplaces, 43 bathrooms, 34 bedrooms, 3 kitchens, an inhouse swimming pool, and a bowling alley in part of the basement. The massive stone spiral staircase has 102 steps and in its center suspended by a single bolt is an iron chandelier containing 72 electric light bulbs. The Banquet Hall is 74 feet by 42 feet and the dinner table could seat as many as 64 guests. The meals served there were usually 8 courses and required 15 utensils per person to eat. Hells yea, bro!

Now, many of you may recognize this place as Rich Manor, the Richie Rich homestead. It's true. Macaulay Culkin walked the same grounds as I. Wow. Ok, that's really not amazing. Other films that were shot on site were Mr. Destiny, The Last of the Mohicans, Forrest Gump, Patch Adams, and etc.

Anyway, the place is pretty damn kick-ass, so go check it out, you lazy bum!

That's me in front of the house.

That's me on the side deck with the back forrests behind me.

This is me still on the side deck, but that's the view straight out from the side of the house.

This is me with a bad ass lion statue that guards the front of the house.

This is me with a bad ass fish fountain thing in the gardens.

The wedding was a blast...

2005-03-08T16:14:00.000-05:00

Yes, I'm back from the wedding, and it was a blast. For those of you that missed my previous post, I went to Asheville, NC for my cousin's wedding. If you've never been, go! It's beautiful there!

The day before the wedding, we all got together for the rehearsal dinner, which consisted of awesome BBQ. I love BBQ! It wasn't true Carolina BBQ as I was expecting, but it was still good eats none the less. I love me some pulled pork.

The ceremony was beautiful, and the preacher looked like some oldschool monk or something, so that was cool. My cousin is a lucky guy to have such a wonderful girl to call his wife!

The reception was a blast! They started it off by each table having to do a dance, that was assigned to it beforehand, in order to be released to go get some grub. The dance themes were such themes as Elvis, the Humpty, and Kung Fu. What did they give my table? The Twist... the Twist!! You and I both know that noone at that party could work the Kung Fu Fighting song better than I could. I think that's why I was given the Twist... they wanted to make it fair for everyone else. Whatever. The reception offered a pasta bar, tons-o-appetizers, and an open bar. Oh yes... you heard right. Open bar!

The night was lit with love, laughter, alcohol, and lots of dancing... especially from yours truly!

Who's that handsome devil?

Attack of the Wanna Be Street Poets!!

2005-03-03T10:19:00.000-05:00

It seems that, as time slips by, there is an increasing number of random street rapping. I know you know what I'm talking about. We've all seen it, I'm sure. Hell, you may even be guilty of doing it. You'll be somewhere, just minding your own business, when out of the bushes, it seems, you are attacked by some dude shouting out a rap. It could be just a rap that already exists like something by someone like 50 Cent or it could be some made up rap that they think is really cool (and they don't know why Jay-Z doesn't just snatch them up right this very instant)... they are in all forms. These street rappers can easily be mistaken for someone with Tourettes Syndrome or maybe someone having a passionate arguement with the invisible spaniard that follows them everywhere, but make no mistake; they are street rappers!

I think that something should be done about this alarming trend. It's not that I have anything against rap or even street performers, but they are never good rappers and they aren't really performing for anyone... they're just rapping in their own sad li'l world, oblivious to the looks of fear on the faces of the people around them. I often wonder what would happen if you just started rapping back at them as they walk by you in the grocery store. I'm sure that, in doing so, you will start a freestyle battle... right there in isle 7 next to the kitty litter. How exciting would that be? Of course, the battle would have to end in death. It wouldn't be a true battle if it didn't.

Help...

2005-03-02T10:16:00.000-05:00

Dear miniBruce,

First, I want to say that my roommate and I love your blog. It's simply fabulous. You are sexy, you li'l sexy mini you.

Secondly, I wanted to ask your advise. I seem to be having a bit of a problem trying to find the right lady to adorn my side. There seems to be something wrong with every girl I go on a date with. They either have bad hair, bad teeth, some weird stutter, or just don't know the right color to wear to compliment their facial color.

My roommate, who has the most fabulous physique, says that I don't try hard enough. When we go and play tennis together, he always gets ladies hitting on him. But who wouldn't when you have an ass like that in those tight shorts that he wears?

Can you help me, miniBruce? Can you help give me the skills that can finally land me that winning Betty? One that has a wonderful wardrobe and stylish hair? Or am I just being too picky like my roommate says? Help!

Yours so very truly,
Theodore Ramone Silverstein

That's me on the left and my roomie on the right. Don't I look smashing?

Dear Teddy,

They always say that there is a special someone out there for eveyone. That special someone may not necessarily be a female. Think about it, bro.

A Public Service Announcement

2005-03-01T13:44:00.000-05:00

Homework. Soccer. Part-time jobs. The internet! Are you and your busy kids overlooking something important? Don't forget to leave comments! This is miniBruce. Leaving comments is one of the most valuable ways a student can spend time. Practicing leaving comments reinforces team work, communication skills, self-discipline, and creativity - all qualities kids need to be successful in their other schoolwork. These skills will help kids later, too, in their jobs in and in society. Help your kids learn that there's more to blogging than just reading the posts. The more they learn about leaving comments, the more they'll enjoy their favorite blogs. Then, maybe they can even explain to you why they think miniBruce is so kick-ass! Hey, don't just read the post... get involved and leave comments!

Asheville, here I come!

2005-03-01T09:46:00.000-05:00

My cousin, Julius Rumbletumbleton, is getting married on Saturday. Hooray for Julius!!

Long story short... his parents tried to force him into an arranged marriage, but Julius stood up to them and, eventually, won the battle. Shortly afterwards, he met Jennifer Applebottom. She was librarian. They fell in love instantly, and now they are to wed.

The wedding is in Asheville, NC, and I will be leaving Thursday. Asheville, here I come. I will be sure to take pictures for all to see.

The happy couple.

Not angry yet?

2005-02-28T12:30:00.000-05:00

Well, to date, the Angry Asian Man has still not accepted the challenge as mentioned in my previous post. Are you just not angry enough? Or are you just a scared li'l pansy man. Maybe you should just curl up in the fetal position in your fluffy pink conforter with the rose pattern on it while you cry on the phone with you mom like the fruit that you are! How angry do you have to be to even throw a limp-wristed slap my way? I'm still waiting.

Rock over London. Rock on Chicago.

2005-02-27T10:22:00.000-05:00

Wesley Willis was a kick-ass musical genius, and if you don't know who he is and/or never heard him, you are seriously deprived. No one rocked the casio demos the way this guy could. He will be missed.

Click here to listen to: I Whupped Batman's Ass

Pardon my dust...

2005-02-26T10:05:00.000-05:00

I realise that not everyone that stops by here to read my ramblings knows that you can get here via minibruce.com as opposed to coming through blogspot, but you can. But I wanted to let everyone know that the site is going through a construction phase, so, every once in a while, you'll find somethhing new show up. Get used to it.

**not anymore. sorry.**

Angry Asian Man, my ass!

2005-02-25T13:48:00.000-05:00

Recently, I stumbled across somebody refering to themselves as the angry asian man, but their representative was this pansy looking asian action figure. Sure, he probably thinks he can kick ass with those throwing stars. He probably even thinks he's sexy, thus the strutting about with no shirt. But sadly this is all wrong. He is an ugly, weak pansy and I know that I could kick his ass in much the same way that I have kicked so many asses that came before me in the past. Does anyone really doubt my ability to mop the floor with that jailbait? So, of course, I challenged him to a duel... we'll see what happens.

Back in the shack...

2005-02-23T10:35:00.000-05:00

Okay, look... I am very sorry for not updating in quite some time. Ol' miniBruce was a bit under the weather. It was a tough fight, but I eventually kicked that virus's ass all the way back to Egypt. Damn Egyptian viruses. But in any case, just because I'm away for a bit doesn't mean that you kids have to go and turn the world upside down. I thought I specifically said NO PARTIES WITH DRUNKEN NINJA PIRATES while I am away. Hmph. I'll have to think of what your punishment will be.

So, highlights of the time I was away....

~The mini I love to hate, Roc Strongo, appearently isn't feelin' too well either. You should send him a get well email by clicking here or are you just a selfish little dung mushroom?

~I was at the hospital, and Chuck Norris was there. Although he tried to deny it when I was like, "Hey, What's up, Chuck?" and he was all like, "My name is Johnny, man. I don't know no Chuck." Whatever, bro...if you are reading this, you and I both know that you are Chuck Norris and that you are sadly trying to deny your true identity because you did the whole Walker Texas Ranger thing... yea, that was sad.

~So, Blink 182 broke up, huh? That's also sad. I wasn't the biggest fan, I'm sure, but I've been listening to them for the longest time. Although, my appreciation for them grew less intense as the albums came out, I would still say Blink's cool and it's sad to see them go.

~Head decides to leave Korn. Hmmm. That sucks. I love Korn. My favorite Korn is, I would have to say, Kreamed Korn. Sweet, kreamy goodness. Wait... isn't it spelled C-o-r-n? Hmmm. I dunno'. And Head appearently gave up corn because he found Jesus? What does Jesus have against corn? Did you know that what we call corn isn't actually corn... it's really supposed to be called maize. OOOOOhhhhh, I just schooled ya, son!

~I was married to Jennifer Lopez for a hot second... no, really, it was like a hot few minutes. I feel so used.

~I blew my nose. Lots of snot came out.

~I have decided that Diet Dr. Pepper doesn't really kick ass in the same way that regular Dr. Pepper does. This was after a very thorough analysis of the two products that involved gargling, swishing, smelling, bathing in, and using to clean my contacts.

That's regular Dr. Pepper shooting lasers from his eyes and killing diet Dr. Pepper.

~Lastly, your mom says, "Hi!"... and so does your sister... and your aunt.

I love you...

2005-02-14T08:13:00.000-05:00

It's Valentine's Day, and for many it's a day of love and passion... that one day out of the year that you can really show someone you care. But for many others, it's the day of loneliness and despair. It's the day in which they feel at their absolute loneliest. That's why I have decided that for today, ladies, I will be your temporary boyfriend.
When it comes to treating a woman right, ol' miniBruce here is the master. Plus, let's not forget that I'm sexy, too! Women like sexiness, I know. So, on this Valentine's Day, lets enjoy a wonderful candlelit dinner with an old fat man playing the violin in the background. Then, later we can go home and explore each other with our mouths. I will be everything and anything that you ladies need today.
Below are the cards that I gave you this morning...

Quit that jibber jabber!

2005-02-13T08:02:00.000-05:00

In this world where we are drowning, it seems, in a sea of name generators, there is one that shines... the Mr. T Name Generator. That's right, kids... Mr. T!! Now, I don't care who you are, I know you love the T. Follow the link and see what he will dub you...

Click here, Fool!

back in the day...

2005-02-12T09:13:00.000-05:00

First off, I wanna apologize for the doped up crazy talk that was the second half of yesterday's post. The gout is better, so I will lay off the painkillers... for now.
So, anyway, guess what? No, you're wrong.... my highschool reunion is peeking around the corner. That's right, kids. It's getting to be that time when we go back to school and see all the people that we couldn't stand when we were there the first time around.
Don't get me wrong... I loved highschool. That's when I developed into the beginnings of the complete stud that you see today. Yea, I was the uber stud. I was the captain of the wrestling team, so I had all the girls that loved the jocks.... pun intended. I was class President, so I had all the girls that loved power. I was the news anchor for the school's morning show, so I had all the girls that wanted a chance to be on TV. I'm a genius with math, so I had all the girls that needed to be tutored and all the nerd girls. Hey, a lot of those nerd girls are pretty hot. And I was, and this goes without saying, the sexiest student that ever went to Morrishead High, so that got me in with all the rest of the girls... even the ones who said they weren't into guys. Really, who can resist this mini?
But school ends and eventually the communication lines break down. You realise they weren't really your friends. They were an audience. They were just there to enjoy the show. When the show's over, they just go home. They're done with you.
So, am I going to the reunion? I dunno. I'm sill on the fence at the moment.

miniBruce says, "Out with gout!"

2005-02-11T10:30:00.000-05:00

Gout. Yea, that's right, kids. I've got the gout, and, if you've never had the pleasure of this intense pain, consider yourself very lucky, jerk! Every once in a while I get a gout attack in one of my feet, so that takes my ability to kick your teeth down your throat away for a bit of time. Thankfully, I still have my kick-ass nunchuck skills and fists of fury... oh, don't forget my superfly sexiness (nothing can take that away). So, what does miniBruce do when he experiences the kind of pain that would send Mr. T home crying to his Mama T? Painkillers. Lots and lots of painkillers washed down with a tall glass of Jack Daniels. I'm talkin' about an assortment of painkillers so large that it would put a rather large pharmacy to shame. Imagine if there was a giant robot that was made completely of pills, and that robot was the size of Godzilla. The amount of pills that it would take to complete such a Japan-threatening robot would be quite large, one would venture to guess. Well, that's what I would probably consume. And then the chicken would crow like a goat, man. Goats. Mama cats screaming out the annals of time on horn sections like brass monkeys. Cookies? Yea, momma'! I would love the apple pie with ice cream and cheddar cheese. Spring Roll. Stop, drop, and roll! Kaiser roll. Dinner roll. Hungry. Hungry hungry hippos. Do hippos eat goats? Lamb placenta for sale? I'd buy that for a dollar. Momma? Momma? Where's the tuna and the plunger? Remember that monkey? That was crazy. What? Yea. Sumo wrestlers with diarrhea. Thank you, Mr. Peepers. That was tight. Mmmmmbrrrrr. Hmmph.......... WHUH! Ima go sleep now.

Bobby? Bobby? Is that you?

Fear is the mind killer.

2005-02-09T09:37:00.000-05:00

We all know that I am the ultimate bad ass and that I am as sexy as the pope's hat is pointy. I have been in many of the nastiest bar fights, dirtiest street fights, and some of the craziest training compound brawls... I've seen it all. What could someone possibly do that I haven't already been presented with and know a million ways to combat it... really?
So, when people send me emails, asking me what I am scared of, the answer is nothing. Nothing. Nada. Zero. Ziltch. Not a damn thing, honey. Look, if you have fears and you are coming to me for me to say, "Hey, I do too... it's okay, homeslice.", you're wrong, my friend. I ain't scared of nothin'. And I don't think it's ok to either.
Fear is the mind killer. Fear is that strange man, with a snaggletooth and a comb-over, holding that crazy knife with the skull handle and a skull etched into the blade waiting to kill you just for looking at his snaggletooth. That bitch is crazy. The point is that if you're scared of something, that very fear can be crippling. So, get over it, you li'l baby! Or should we give you a pink mask that you can cover your li'l pansy face? 'Nuff said.
So, anyway, what's up with giraffes? Those long necks. Whoa. They look crazy. I have often had nightmares in which a pack of crazed giraffes with rabies and machine guns strapped to their necks come chasing me in the dark. Those bitches are scary, right? Keep those things away from me.

Happy Chinese New Year!

2005-02-09T09:33:00.000-05:00

That's right, kids! Today marks the beginning of a new year according to the chinese calender; 4702! It is the year of the cock... stop snickering. I hope it'sa good one for everyone!

And a few words to live by...

Respect the Gods and the Devils, but keep them at a distance.
~Confucius

miniBruce's day at the zoo...

2005-02-08T13:36:00.000-05:00

I went to the zoo the other day. I hadn't been there since I was a li'l one (a mini mini, if you will) and I thought it was actually pretty fun... at first. It was good to see the lions and tigers. I got to see all the cool kangaroos that they now have and the spider monkeys, which are always cool. I also got to see one of my favorite animals, the ring tailed lemur, once again. That was cool. But what really got me was that they had this new creature that, yes, I had seen before, but never in a zoo setting. I actually thought it to be quite odd that they had a creature like this in the zoo... especially in a state that is seldom cool, let alone freezing cold, which is the accurate climate for such a creature. "What is it that I a refering to?" you ask. Well, my drunken homeless man of a friend, it was the illusive Snowman. That's right, a Snowman! You see, where I live and where this zoo is, you never see these beings... they simply can't survive in this climate. And they didn't even have a crazy fake snow habitat for this guy to live in. They had him outside in the sun! Crazy, I tell ya! It's amazing that guy's still alive. Someone should report the zoo to the P.P.R.S.C. (People Protecting the Rights of Snow Creatures). They would be outraged at the cruelty that is being displayed there. So, be forwarned, people... the zoo is torturing innocent Snowmen. You don't want the kids to see that ugly sight. Trust me. Below, I have submitted one of the better pictures that is not nearly as graphic as the others.

kickin' ass in a church...

2005-02-07T11:59:00.000-05:00

You know there was a day when I didn't look as sexy as I am today. I know it may be a very difficult thing to imagine; me not looking sexy. But it's true. I was just a blob of melted plastic in my younger days, with no clue on how to kick ass even in the slightest way. I was useless. But the day came when I was released from the factory with the incredible sexiness that you see before you. Because of my rough childhood, though, I decided that when I had the opportunity to give back to the community, I would do just that. Recently, Pastor Gotahellndie, came to me about teaching the members of his church how to kick ass and look sexy doing it. He claimed that it would aid in the battle against Satan. He declared that only a man of faith with really kisk ass nunchuck skills and a solid round house kick could save the troubled souls from the crushing kung fu grip of Lucifer... not Lucifer Jones, fried chicken extraordinaire and down right nasty pimp (that was my first thought, too!), but Lucifer the lord of the underworld. So, I took that mission and completed it with all the sexiness that I could muster, and that's a lot. In the end, those 80 year old mamacitas waltzed outta there with the staight up sexiness that only kickin' ass in a super sweet way can deliver. They were hella sweet grandmas with the PhD's in kick-assology.

What about Bob?

2005-02-06T15:44:00.001-05:00

Today marks the 60th birthday of Bob Marley. He may be gone, but his words still circulate the globe and hold relevance even in today's society. Let's celebrate in any and every way we can. Happy Birthday, Bob!

sportin' the dreads
lend your ear...
Song: Easy Skanking

miniBruce on Superbowl Sunday...

2005-02-06T09:03:00.000-05:00

So, today is the Superbowl match-up between the Patriots and the Eagles...who cares. No, I'm sure there are plenty of you out there that really do care, but as for me... I don't. I have never really been a fan of football. It's just never kicked enough ass for me. You're probably saying to yourself, "What?! Football is like one of the most kick ass sports around... people get hurt... I love it!" But people getting hurt does not make a kick ass sport. What makes a kick ass sport? I dunno'... robots? Yea, robots would be awesome. But like attack robots with guns and saws and stuff on them. That would totally kick ass in a way that our asses haven't had the pleasure of being kicked. I mean think about it... robots, man! Do I really need to say more? I look forward to the day that our society can live in harmony with the robot society. Only then can we have such wonderful things as robots cooking us dinner and serving us drinks. Robots would be taxi drivers. There would even be a robot talk show and it would be called, "The Jerry Sprocket Show." It would be the robot smut talk show where all the trailer park robot skanks came on and fought over a robot with a mullet and a faulty control panel. Or a show like, "Who Wants To Marry A Top-of-the-line Robot?", where human and robot ladies compete over a brand new robot with all the bells and whistles for a crack at marriage. Of course, by then, the government would not be opposed to the marriage of humans and robots. What could be better? And only then would we be able to enjoy, or at least I would be able to enjoy, football the way God intended... with psychotic killer robots. Wake up and smell the motor oil, baby!

Shhhh.....

2005-02-05T10:51:00.000-05:00

Let's all try to keep it down in here, okay? The bear is sleeping.

at least not when I'm around...

2005-02-04T13:02:00.000-05:00

Often times, you see these ridiculous warnng signs that warn of something that you would think is common knowledge. But we all know that those signs are created because someone was actually dumb to do that thing that the rest of us know not to do. Example... a hairdryer that reads,"Do not use in shower." But the other day I came across this sign...

...now, it's not that it's common knowledge that you wouldn't want to do this, but really, I never even thought of doing it. This is certainly not anything that I thought about what would happen if I did it. I mean, molesting gators? Who the hell did that? You mean they had to put a sign up because somebody actually did that? Wow. Picture it... some dude is, for some reason, hanging out in the swamps on one of those fan boats and suddenly he thinks, "Damn, that gator sure is pretty... Ima feel on one." And then the fish and game officer happens upon them and hauls the gator-lover off to jail.
"What are you in jail for?"
"I killed this guy with a hammer. What are you in for?"
"Molesting gators."

hangin' like a monkey

2005-02-03T08:16:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I joined my friend, Theodore Batteur De Coffre, to go see his family. They were having a bit of a get together, and he invited me to come along and meet his cousin, Dévastez... they call him Li'l D. I had a blast. Theodore's aunt Tilda made bananas foster for everyone. Wow... that was the most kick-ass bananas foster I have ever ate in my entire life; damn good! And we smoked cigars with his uncle Earl. We were just hangin' like a couple of monkeys, the real swingers.

That's Theodore and me.

That's Li'l D.

That's uncle Earl and Li'l D.

That's aunt Tilda.

Happy Groundhog Day... or is it?

2005-02-02T08:16:00.000-05:00

That's right, kids... Punxsutawney Phil has seen his shadow in Gobler's Knob which means six more weeks of that cold ass winter. Herds of people in Punxsutawney booed as the furry prognosticator made his prediction. Personally, I like cold weather. It keeps me from sweatin'... even in times that tend to be quite sweaty. So, back off the groundhog, fools! Anyone wanting to step to Phil has to come through me, and you don't want any of this Toe Knuckle Sandwich, do you? I didn't think so. Plus, Phil is packin' some serious heat. You don't want to be chewing on the projectiles of his bazooka.

Bust out the cardboard, boy!

2005-02-01T13:05:00.000-05:00

Song: Sub Pop Bionic
Artist: Creeper

I came across this song the other day, and, as you can see, I had to bust out that cardboard! This song is tight... tight like a penguin rump. And you know how tight their rumps are... they gotta be airtight to keep the water out. Wow... that's too much talk about penguin ass. Just listen to the song.

That's me doing my famous head spin.

That's me doing the robot. Hell yea, boy!

miniBruce on unemployment...

2005-01-31T09:36:00.000-05:00

Recently, I was relieved of my position at the Kix factory due to company downsizing. I was Vice President in charge of Sexiness. I was damn good at that job too. I mean, just look at me! But, sadly, not all good things last and I was thrown out on the street with nothing to show for myself but a pink slip and a plaque that read,"World's Sexiest Sexyman." So, now what? What is a mini supposed to do in an industry with so few jobs available due to an economy like the one we're experiencing now. The employment lines are flooded with out-of-work sexies, such as myself (of course, not as sexy as I). So, I decided to kick ass for money. I figured it was something that we all know I can do and do quite well. Plus, I can still look sexy doin' it. Of course, I always look sexy when I'm doin' it, if you know what I mean. It amazes me how overlooked this market is. You would be shocked by the customers I get... desperate cheerleader moms... disgruntled postal workers... politicians... hey, even girl scouts! So, needless to say I'm doing pretty good for myself. At this point, I don't know who really lost out... me or Kix!

Yo quiero upset stomach.

2005-01-30T08:59:00.000-05:00

Ah, Taco Bell... where you can buy only the finest in mexican cuisine. A place where only the top ranked chefs travel from Mexico to the states in an order to bring us such great dishes as Nachos Bell Grande and Chili Cheese Burritos. Okay, really... we all know it's crap. But I am sure that many, if not all, of us have a lot to thank Taco Bell for. Back in the day, it was one of the few places, in my area anyway, that one could make a feeble attempt to sober up from the endless amounts of alcohol that had just been consumed that night. What better way to tuck your drunkedness into bed than with a few tacos and a mexican pizza. Sure, now there has been this sudden boom with fast food joints having the up late drive-thru, but Taco Bell, I think, was the one that set the bar. And, sure, we all strayed and went to Village Inn or Denny's (or what ever greasy spoon you might have in your town), but, in the end, we found ourselves crawling back to the border, longing for a Meximelt and uttering, "Yo quiero upset stomach."

Cat, Bass, Beer and Rock!

2005-01-29T13:15:00.000-05:00

When I came across a CD by Thug Murder, I would never have imagined that the band was actually punk. I mean, really... does Thug Murder sound like punk rock to you? But when I listened to the CD, I fell in love. But then who wouldn't fall in love with this three girl band from Japan. They probably kick-ass like you never seen before except for that time that Randy Smith beat your ass and took your lunch money. Or that time that you were at the zoo and standing too close to the monkey cage and that chimp pulled your arm so hard that your face smashed against the bars.

And that's when I developed my lust for Chisato Otsubo. She was the sexy lady fingering the electric bass and sweatin' up a storm. Wow. Girl, if you ever show up in my neck of the woods, we'll have to hold a jam session of our own, if you know what I mean... and I think you do.**winky, winky**

Allez Cuisine!

2005-01-28T10:13:00.000-05:00

As I am a sucker for cheesy asian drama and I can cook as good as I am sexy, I have fallen in love with the Iron Chef series. Who can resist the true tension that builds in watching these chefs square off with such secret ingredients as spiny lobsters and things of the sort. Sadly, the show ended and the Chairman road off into the sunset. I thought my culinary world was over.

Then, Iron Chef came to America! How kick-ass, right? I mean, yeah... the Chairman is a new guy on the block and there's no more dubbed english, but the show still holds the energy and tension that the infamous battles create. So, I now have a show that combines food with kickin' ass to watch once again. Yay!

There is one thing, though, that always bothered me about the original and, so far, the new Iron Chef. They have this secret ingredient, right? And they should, because that really levels the playing fields, you know? But all the suspense is built up into this mysterious ingredient.
"Will it be something that I can cook?"
"Will I have to kill it first?"
"Animal?"
"Vegetable?"
"Mineral?"
"What is the secret ingredient, damn you!"
These are all things that I am sure run through their big chef heads. But all this tension builds on the fact that it's gonna' be this strange and exotic object that not too many people watching would be familiar with. And, granted, they are pretty different. My issue is that they aren't different enough. I mean, they should have something really far out there! How cool would it be if the secret ingredient was something like clown shoes or strange wigs purchased from the local thrift store? Or how shocked would you be if the Chairman pulled the sheet off a large case full of Soylent Green? Bet you never cooked with that before. Now, we have a level battle field, Mr. Producer man! Try it... I think we'll all like it.

The Word On The Street #4

2005-01-27T13:49:00.000-05:00

I decided to mix up the whole Word On The Street thing. Normally, I ask a question that solicites a pretty good response. But this time, I wanted to try out some word association. It's still the Word On The Street... er, rather... Words On The Street. You get the point. Anyway, the first person I run into after coming up with the idea is Violator. You know him from Spawn, Hell, and the local Gas-N-Grab.

me: Hey, bro... wanna do some word association?
Violator: Okay.
me: wig
Violator: death
me: weiner dog
Violator: death
me: apple
Violator: death
me: puke
Violator: death
me: pirate
Violator: cross dresser

And that's the word on the street!

please excuse

2005-01-26T17:23:00.000-05:00

I am moving my images to a different location, so the pictures and sounds for this blog are not available, at the moment. Sorry for the inconvenience.

World domination, here I come!

2005-01-25T17:12:00.000-05:00

Now that my building of a kick ass robot is complete, nothing can stand in my way of taking over the world... that is of course if the world was as small as the robot and I. But the Smurfs don't stand a chance... that's for damn sure!

the search is over...

2005-01-24T17:01:00.000-05:00

I have finally found what the Beastie Boys were rapping about...

the Brass Monkey! Although, he claims that he is not the same brass monkey, and that, in fact, they were rapping about a drink that they learned of from Run DMC. I'm so sure.

The Word On The Street #3

2005-01-23T16:48:00.000-05:00

Today, I met up with Sheriff Woody.

me: Woody, you're a sheriff... someone that is designated to uphold the law and protect us from the evil-doers of the world. In your professional opinion, what is the difference between good and evil?

Woody: Well... when Black Bart poisoned the water hole... that was evil. And when I got it on with Barbie at her Malibu beach house, that was good... really good.

me: Yeah, she sure knows how to treat a guy. Poor Ken, he has no idea what goes on behind his back.

And that's the word on the street!

Music Shuffle Meme!

2005-01-22T15:48:00.000-05:00

So, here is my contribution to the craze that is sweeping the nation. I feel that I must note that the music player on my computer is kind of small in comparison to my total collection of music, but still this is a pretty good mix, I think.

1. Chemical Brothers - Where Do I Begin
2. The Plus Ones - All The Boys
3. Minus The Bear - Absinthe Party At The Fly Honey Warehouse
4. Deep Banana Blackout - Mama Said Jam
5. Voodoo Glow Skulls - Here Comes The Sun
6. Screeching Weasel - Supermarket Fantasy
7. The Streets - Let's Push Things Forward
8. The Double Deckers - A Day In The Life...
9. Duke Ellington - Don't Get Around Much Anymore
10. The Red Elvises - I Wanna See You Bellydance

I first saw this on TooMuchSexy.org, and I decided to participate. The rules are as follows:

1. Open the music player on your computer.
2. Set it to play your entire music collection.
3. Hit the "shuffle" command.
4. Tell us the title of the next ten songs with the musicians, no matter how embarassing. That's right, no skipping that Carpenters tune that will totally destroy your hip credibility. It's time for total music honesty.
5. Write it up in your blog or journal and link back to at least a few sites where you saw this.
6. If you get the same artist twice, you may skip the second (or third, or etc.) occurances. You don't have to, but since randomness means you could end up with a list of ten songs with five artists, you can if you'd like.

If you are reading this and you actually do it. Post it in the comments. I would love to see what comes up out there. Or don't... if you suck.

Worship the "D"!

2005-01-21T15:45:00.000-05:00

It goes without saying that they must be posted.

Band: Tenacious D
Song: Karate
Genre: totally kick-ass music

(It appears that the music may be unavailable in Firefox or Mozilla. If this is true for you, I am sorry, but try IE or Netscape. Thank you and rock on!)

Cobra Kai? Cobra Suck!

2005-01-20T13:55:00.000-05:00

Sure, it was over twenty years ago when he stuck his finger in Mr. Miyagi's face, but I still can't stand John Kreese and his Cobra Kai Dojo. Now, don't think that I, for an instant, like the karate kid and his pansy way of fighting, NO! But I do respect Mr. Miyagi. He is oldschool, and you have to give props to oldschool. When Kreese got all yellin' at Mr. Miyagi, "This is a karate dojo, not a knitting class. You don’t come into my dojo, drop a challenge and leave, old man."... I could barely keep myself from kicking my TV apart. That wouldn't have been good, because I need to watch my Golden Girls, you know what I mean? But since that day, I have kept my eyes open for that bitch.

John Kreese, don't let me find your ass or i will, in the great words of LL Cool J, crush you like a jellybean!

Ponder this!

2005-01-19T13:29:00.001-05:00

If we assume that they have called them shorts because they have short legs, why haven't they named them "longs" instead of pants? Or why not "pa" for shorts, since it is obviously a shorter word than pants?

Me and swine are fine!

2005-01-18T11:53:00.001-05:00

I don't know if many of you have noticed that I have some advertisements on the right side of this blog, but I do. Hey, even minis have bills to pay. But anyway, the way they work is that the ads are supposed to somehow relate to what is being discussed on the blog, and usually they have been pretty good in relating. But lately, there have been quite a bit of "PIG" related advertisements. That's right, "PIG!". At first, I shrugged it off as just humorous... because really, if you've been paying attention, I've never even refered to pigs.

Then, there was the straw that broke the camel's back... an advertisement for Pig Slaughterlines!!! Slaughterlines... really? Does anyone really think that I am somehow in the same category as a slaughter house? I want to go on record right now that I in no way promote pig slaughtering... not any animal slaughtering... not even listening to Slaughter... I don't even really like Sgt. Slaughter!

I mean really... I have nothing against pigs. Heck, some of my best friends are pigs. Really, I was just hanging out with Hamm the other day. He's the one from Toy Story... you know. Anyway, Hamm and I go way back, and I am sure, if you asked him if I was anti-pig in any way, shape or form, he would say, "Of course not, silly!"

I certainly don't know how these ads started, but, now that I have mentioned them on this blog, I am sure that they won't be stopping any time soon. But at least, y'all know the truth about where I stand.

The ads are below. The top one is the worst one as it reads: Pig Slaughterlines: new and used pig slaughterlines in all sizes.
The second one that I have marked reads: Pig: Great deals on new and used items. Search for Pig now.
And the third one that I have marked reads: Pig: Get movie synopsis & reviews. Watch trailers & clips. Buy or rent DVD's.

miniBruce reporting on bats...

2005-01-17T09:46:00.000-05:00

Bats... So, why do they sleep in caves? Most bats are nocturnal. They fly and scout for their food (like innocent women walking to their cars in parking lots) at night. This means that they need safe places to sleep during the day. Caves provide the kind of protected shelter in which bats can thrive. Old and abandoned houses that sit atop creepy hills provide that good shelter as well, but with caves, there is less chance that you'll be woken by a solicitor or missionary. Hanging from the ceiling of a cave, bats are out of reach of most of their enemies and they can look pretty kick-ass doing it. I bet you wish you could hang upside down. Some of the most successful species of bats live in large cave colonies. Some of these colonies have millions of members, even up to 20 million of them suckers (yea, pun intended)! Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico once had 7-8 million, but now has about 1 million... because of me and my infinite kicking power.

Most bat colonies leave their caves more or less together, in large groups after dark. They usually hit the bar around 11. Before leaving they fly around inside, preparing for departure. Flying around with thousands of other bats inside a cave creates a chaotic amount of noise! The bats simply ignore their personal navigation systems inside the caves.

If you suddenly appeared in their cave among the flying bats, they would crash into you. But if I suddenly appeared in their cave among the flying bats, they would stop what they were doing and act like they were playing cards or something, because they don't wanna start anything with me.

Before we go, I want to leave you with a quote I came across about caves...
As a caver, Jack [Lehrberger] was a loner. He had gone on exploration trips of twenty hours or more alone, deep into virgin passages where he might not have been found for a long time had he lost his way. He had discovered the lower levels of Salts Cave, penetrating deeply into Flint Ridge in the area south of Crystal Cave.
~The Longest Cave

At least, I think it's about caves... kinda' reminds me of my college days.

I got'cha American Idol right here!

2005-01-16T09:35:00.000-05:00

Soon, the new season for American Idol will start. I auditioned, you know. I bet you thought I couldn't sing. Well, my friend, you are right. Plus, even if I could sing, I'm too old to be on their show. I mean, yea, I have my boyish good looks, but they actually check birth certificates and junk like that. But none of that stopped my auditioning, though. I was living out a lifetime dream. A lot of you out there are probably thinking that I wanted to meet Simon and, maybe, give him a triple roundhouse kick to the head and knock his brain loose. But, as enjoyable as that might have been, the real dream was to meet Paula. Oh, how I wanted to get close to that dancer's firm body and dark skin. I still have a poster of her in her cheerleading oufit hanging up.

Paula, don't be Cold Hearted. Yea, you're human and I'm just a mini made of plastic, but remember... Opposities Attract. Let's make a Promise Of A New Day and spend it Blowing Kisses In The Wind. Let's Rush, Rush back to my place where we can get all hot and sticky sharing our Vibeology. Don't forget, Paula, I'm Forever Your Girl... er, boy, I mean.

for you listening and morally corrupt pleasure...

2005-01-15T16:31:00.000-05:00

Now, I know that there are those of you out there that have said, "Gee, miniBruce... the songs that you have added in the past haven't been very hard. Me... I like music that is hard. Something I can pogo to when mom and dad aren't around." Well... here you go.

The cool thing about this song is the story and the morals that it teaches kids. You see, this song is basically about a punk that went to a bar and a bunch of drunken rednecks beat him up. So, what does he do? He goes and learns karate and buys a gun. Then he goes back to the bar to have some fun. Now, granted it is karate (not something cool like Jeet Kune Do) and he buys a gun (you know miniBruce don't get down with guns), but the moral is good. If you wanna be cool and kick ass in a major way, learn some form of martial arts. It'll do wonders.

Band: The Freeze
Song: Broken Bones
Genre: totally kick-ass music

(It appears that the music may be unavailable in Firefox or Mozilla. If this is true for you, I am sorry, but try IE or Netscape. Thank you and rock on!)

the power of green...

2005-01-14T13:19:00.000-05:00

You know how they say that the green M&M's work wonders as an aphrodisiac? They say, "Eat the green... it make you horny... love you long time!" Well, with the M&M's, that's a bunch of hog wash. The real aphrodisiac is the green gummy bear. Just look at the theme song... bouncin' here and there and eveywhere... especially in the sack. You know it. Now, of course, I can't eat very many given the size of my mini stomach, so I usually down about five of those suckers before I'm ready to perform the panty raid. Eat it and you'll know what I'm talking about. The ladies know... at least the ones I've been with.

for your reading pleasure...

2005-01-13T13:05:00.000-05:00

A wonderfully kick-ass novel by Frank Chin. His bold, outspoken style characterizes each kick-ass essay. His piercing insights land on everyone from Southeast Asian gangsters to a group of white guys who hurl the word “foreigner” at Chin and his son at a highway rest-stop. Chin has made a career of challenging stereotypes and taking nice, healthy roundhouse kicks at West Coast multiculturalism. The book is full of provoking thought as well as outrage. Read it... or I will kick you in your eyebrow!

a note to all vampires...

2005-01-12T13:01:00.000-05:00

Don't ever try to solicite me for oral sex! Or, much like this one, you will be kicked until garlic spews from your nose.

The Word On The Street #2

2005-01-11T10:48:00.000-05:00

Today, I ran into Evil Emperor Zurg as I was picking up my dry cleaning at the chinese laundry. Being that he is an evil genius and well established scientist, I posed this question to him:

me: Emperor Zurg, you're a scientist... what happens when we die?

Emperor Zurg: First, we don't die. Eveyone that is crushed in my reign of terror and evil dies. I am the one that kills them. Buzz Lightyear has just been lucky thus far. But when my victims die, the atoms of their body disperse into the cosmos, combining chemically with other atoms, and some are reused by other living beings. It has been calculated that we all have some atoms from Shakespeare and Caesar, for instance. Although, I am sure that I have the atoms of all ruthless leaders in history thus making me the ultimate ruler that will one day rule the galaxy. Anyway, our mind, the functioning of the brain, stops with the cessation of electrical activity in the brain. Some of our experiences stay in existence in the minds of other human beings that knew us or that heard from us... or tremble in fear of our existance.

And that's the word on the street.

The Word On The Street #1

2005-01-10T20:07:00.000-05:00

Going forward, I am going to start asking random individuals for their opinions on various subjects. Today, I ran into the Big Boy.

me: Does Postmodernism mean the end of the self?
Big Boy: uh... I like hamburgers... hehehehe!

And there you have it, folks. Postmodernism and the end of self can all be summed up in a wad of beef cooked over an open flame. That's the word on the streets!

that's me in the bottom right corner.

Drop and eat dirt, soldier!

2005-01-09T13:28:00.000-05:00

So, I was hiking in the woods yesterday and enjoying all that nature has to offer when this crazy soldier jumped out of the bushes with this big gun. He was all pointing it at me and shouting things like, "Get on the ground, Charlie!" and I was like, "My name's not Charlie and get the gun outta my face!" Now, let the records show that I have nothing against soldiers or any of the armed forces, but he wouldn't stop and this guy was crazy! Plus, my name really isn't Charlie. It never was. The only option that I was facing was to drop him like a sack of potatoes... but the big baking ones, not the little red ones. So, I did just that. Eat dirt, you damned looney! Oh, and appearently I went all Mike Tyson on him and chewed his right ear off during the fight. Oh well... his loss, not mine.

on the road again...

2005-01-08T16:41:00.000-05:00

Ok, first off, let me just say that I am not a road rage kinda' mini. It's not very buddhist. But I hate people that drive too slow. Sometimes, I just want to ram their car until it spins off the road and, more importantly, out of my way! If you can't drive fast then get a bus pass... that's my philosophy.

fuel for automobiles...

2005-01-07T16:37:00.000-05:00

Ok, I don't care how old I am... I still still laugh a li'l inside at the statement, "I have to get gas." Or any statement involving the word, GAS. Just thought I would share that with you all.

another spanish lesson...

2005-01-06T10:09:00.000-05:00

As I have explained in the past, I am Chinese and I speak spanish. It's as simple as that. Anywho, new spanish lesson...

Su cochinito es el mas lindo, senorita. Pero se me ha cagado en las piernas.

Loosely translated: Yours is the prettiest piglet, miss. But it has shat in my lap.

Now, this will become very useful in Mexico when you decide to ride the bus. For some reason, a lot of farm animals frequent the publlic transportation system there. That is when you may encounter said pig.

email from a viewer

2005-01-05T13:52:00.000-05:00

Dear miniBruce,

I am a desperate man. I have always dedicated my life to being super sexy in a major kick-ass way and being a supreme ladies man, such as yourself. But to this day, I am still unable to get with the ladies. I have tried all the hotspots like the local video arcades, grocery stores, and fast food joints, but have seen nothing but utter failure. I am at my wits end. Please, save me from a life without the ladies, miniBruce!

Sincerely,
Perspiratingly Desperate

Dear P.D.,
First, to set a goal onto oneself such as attaining ultimate superflyness, like me, is a pretty difficult goal to reach. You should always try to set goals that are reachable and reasonable. Baby steps, P.D.!
Secondly, I believe firmly in the theory that women are too hard to get when you are trying to get them. It always seems that they come out of the woodwork when you're not looking for anyone. So, stop fishing and let them come to you.
Thirdly, try to dress yourself up more. Try some polyester. Nothing conforms to the body more than a nice polyester pirate shirt. And try wearing cologne like High Karate. It's like when you walk by CinnaBon and you smell all the goodness that makes your mouth water as you mumble, "Damn, I want one... now." Cologne works the same way.
So, try doing this small handful of things and good luck in your eternal persuit of the female.

Big Top miniBruce

2005-01-04T11:48:00.000-05:00

Did I ever tell you kids about the time that I joined the circus? It's true, you know! Back when I was just a struggling mini trying to get two pennies to rub together, I decided to join a traveling circus as a chinese acrobat. I did it all, man... the tight rope, the flying trapeze, the flipping through the flaming ring of knives, and the like. And back then, I had to wear spandex unitards. Now, you try to find me something that is sexier than me in a spandex unitard! You ain't gonna find it, buddy. Trust me. Anyhoo, I traveled with that circus for quite some time, but I got in too tight with the bearded lady. Her husband was the ringmaster, and when he caught wind of our wrong-doings, I was off like a prom dress. I still think back to those days, and think of what might have been had I still been with that crew.

quote for the day...

2005-01-03T10:21:00.000-05:00

Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind.
~Bruce Lee, the OG

miniBruce on sleep...

2005-01-02T09:29:00.000-05:00

Sleep is necessary for our nervous systems to work properly. Too little sleep leaves us drowsy and unable to concentrate the next day. It also leads to impaired memory and physical performance, like kickin' ass and lookin' sexy, and reduced ability to carry out math calculations and philosophical analogies. If sleep deprivation continues, hallucinations and stuff may develop. Some experts believe sleep gives neurons used while we are awake a chance to shut down and repair themselves. Without sleep, neurons may become so depleted in energy or so polluted with byproducts of normal cellular activities that they begin to malfunction. Sleep also may give the brain a chance to exercise important neuronal connections that might otherwise deteriorate from lack of activity. So, in lamen's terms, get some sleep if you wanna be as awesome as I am.

just because I'm asian...

2005-01-01T09:25:00.000-05:00

Here's another tune from the Bruce Lee Band. This one brings a tear to my eye.

Band: The Bruce Lee Band
Song: Don't Sit Next To Me Just Because I'm Asian
Genre: totally kick-ass music

~this song is no longer available~

(It appears that the music may be unavailable in Firefox or Mozilla. If this is true for you, I am sorry, but try IE or Netscape. Thank you and rock on!)

and another year ends...

2004-12-31T11:31:00.000-05:00

Last New Year's I made a resolution to look sexier, kick more ass, and to get more ladies. And I did just that. I truly believe that there is no mini on earth that is as superfly as I am. So, with us standing here at the end of another 12 months that passed by as fast as a hobo skipping town, I will need to make another New Year's resolution. But how do you improve perfection? What could I possibly set as a resolution that hasn't already been met before it gets out of the starting gate? Well, there is something. You see, often, my schedule is tied up with kicking ass and looking sexy,and I seldom have the time for anything else. There is a whole world out there that hasn't seen the likes of me; nor have I seen the likes of it. I mean, there are hobbits and swedish milk maids and deep fried twinkies out there. All sorts of things that I have yet to experience. I believe that it is essential to see all aspects of this place we call Earth in order to truly become a well balanced mini. So, I hearby resolve that in the coming year of 2005 to travel a lot more in an effort to become a more cultured individual. I will scour the outer realms for the li'l hidden treasures. I laugh at the fear of what lie ahead. I will know more than my home and my family's homes. I will see what there is to be seen. I will conquer the world!

Singapore Fish Head Stew

2004-12-30T16:59:00.000-05:00

There have been many of you out there that have asked me, "miniBruce, how do you maintain such a sexually fit physique?" or have said to me, "Wow, miniBruce, talk about a six pack... how about you come and quench my thirst you sexy bitch!" The truth is that in order to be such a rev'ed up sex machine, like myself, you must exercise, meditate, and eat right. Today, I will let you in on a bit of a secret of mine... Fish Head Stew! This wonderful concoction, I picked up when I was traveling through Singapore, and, wow, does it work wonders on the energy!
The recipe is as follows:
1 lrg firm white fish head - (1 1/2 lbs)
Cornstarch for dusting
3 tbl vegetable oil
4 x green onions trimmed, and
cut into 2" lengths
12 slc peeled ginger - (quarter size)
8 cup water
FOR THE SEASONINGS
2 tsp soy sauce
1 tsp fish sauce
1/2 tsp sesame oil
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp freshly-ground white pepper
FOR THE SOUP
8 oz dried rice noodles - (abt 1/4" wide)
1/4 lb firm white fish fillet sliced thinly
2 x green onions trimmed, and
sliced thinly
1/4 cup cilantro leaves
PREPERATION
* Rinse the fish head thoroughly under cold running water, being sure that no blood remains in the gills. Pat dry, then dust the fish head with cornstarch to coat it lightly.

* Heat a stockpot over medium heat until hot. Add the oil and swirl to coat the bottom. Add the fish head, green onions and ginger. Cook until the fish head is light brown, about 2 minutes per side. Set the fish head aside.

* Pour the water into the pot and bring to a boil. Adjust the heat so the liquid is simmering and cook for 45 minutes.

* Meanwhile, prepare the Seasonings: Stir the soy sauce, fish sauce, sesame oil, salt and pepper together in a small bowl until the salt is dissolved.

* For the Soup: Strain the stock and discard the solids. Return the stock to the pot, it will be creamy white.

* Bring a pot of water to a boil, stir in the rice noodles and cook until al dente (tender but firm), 4 1/2 to 5 minutes. Drain, rinse and drain thoroughly. Lay the noodles out on a cutting board and cut them in half crosswise.

* Reheat the stock to simmering, add the seasonings and fish slices and simmer until the fish is cooked, 1 1/2 to 2 minutes. Add the noodles and simmer just until heated through, about 30 seconds. Ladle into individual serving bowls and garnish with the green onions and cilantro.

* This recipe yields 4 servings.

What would have I done without nunchucks?

2004-12-29T16:51:00.000-05:00

So, the gift from Santa has proven to be a very useful item to have around the house. Again, I was just minding my own business, when this ugly ogre just came out of nowhere and wanted to pick a fight. At first it was just a shoving match, but it quickly erupted into something more. Long story short, I had to take him down, but taking down an opponent of that magnitude could have easily taken it's toll on me had it not been for my nunchucks. I was able to jump on his back and strangle him into a coma. Night, night mistah Ogre, sir!

I'm glad to be back!

2004-12-28T13:15:00.000-05:00

Yea, kids, I'm back and I am terribly sorry that I kept you all waiting so long for a post from yours truly. It had nothing to do with you guys, trust me. You see, a family member of mine, who will remain unidentified in order to protect their confedentiality, had taken quite ill and was in the hospital for quite some time. So, without delay, I packed by bags and hopped on the next flight to Hong Kong. It was there that I spent the next week or so with my family hoping for a speedy recovery. Long story short, that family member did get better and when they were up and fighting all crazy like again, I flew back home to spend a late Christmas with my American family and friends. When I got back there was a suprise waiting for me. Santa, Rudolph, and the lot had come to wish me a belated Christmas. Santa also had a certain present that he wanted to hand deliver to me, since I was such a kick-ass nice mini this year. It was the San Setsu-Kon Nunchaku that I had wanted so badly. But they weren't just any San Setsu-Kon Nunchaku, though... they were handcrafted by an old Chinese weapons master that lived atop a mountain, and they kicked ass like a pair of nunchucks never kicked ass before. I thanked Santa and, shortly after, they all jetted back to the N.P. in a flash. So, there you have it, folks! Again, I am sorry that I left you all hanging for so long... like slabs of cured ham in a deli, but I am back to kick ass and look super sexy for you once again... and, now, with extra kick-assness with my new nunchucks. I hope every one of you out there had a wonderful holiday, whatever you celebrate... except the anonymous person that didn't believe that Santa would deliver. I hope you rot in hell. And to my archnemesis, Roc, I hope you had a very merry Punch-mas!

Here's a picture of kick ass Hong Kong.

Here I am getting the weapons of mass kick-assness from Santa.

Triple the sticks...triple the sexiness... and deadliness!

These are some socks that my Grams made for me to keep my feet warm during these cold winter's days.

This is my Christmas tree. Yes, I am chinese, but I still celebrate Christmas here in the states.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from the N.P.

Who kicks it harder? Only me.

2004-12-18T13:03:00.000-05:00

Here's another diddy for everyone to listen to. Listen carefully.

Band: The Bruce Lee Band
Song: Komsomida
Genre: totally kick-ass music

~this song is no longer available~

(It appears that the music may be unavailable in Firefox or Mozilla. If this is true for you, I am sorry, but try IE or Netscape. Thank you and rock on!)

spanish lesson for the day...

2004-12-17T10:44:00.000-05:00

A lot of you probably didn't know this, but I speak spanish. I know, you're thinking, "What?! Shouldn't you be speaking Chinese or something like that?" Well, yes, but I also speak spanish. Since most of my life has been here in the states and spanish is such a widely used language here, I figured why not learn. Knowing spanish can be very helpful in a lot of suituations. So, today I will teach you something that will show to be very useful in the future.

Tenga cuidado, tonto, o yo del paso le batirán sobre la cara tan muchas veces que su madre incluso no le reconocerá.

Loosely translated: Watch your step, fool, or I shall beat you about the face so many times that your mother will not even recognize you.

Now, remember to practice this statement aloud as often as possible until you become fluent in this trash talk. Then, the next time you go to Mexico and decide to get shitfaced on tequila and pick a fight with a bunch of mexicans on Cinco De Mayo, you will be a bit more prepared.

Surprise, surprise!

2004-12-16T11:55:00.000-05:00

So, the other day, I get a knock on my door, and you know who it is? It was my ol' bro, Spawn. That's right... I couldn't believe it, either. He said he was in the neighborhood and just stopped by. You see, I haven't seen Spawn in ages. We met via a mutual friend that I went to school with, and ended up becoming, I feel, better friends. Spawn and I ended up going our seperate ways and lost communication... until that day that he stood at my doorstep. Well, it was just like ol' times. We got totally smashed on manischewitz (you have to drink a lot to get smashed on that stuff, but we succeeded). Later, we hit the city and got into a drunken fight with a bunch of sailors. Bunch of Cracker Jacks! Of course, we left them with many a battle wound. Who kicks ass? We do!

miniBruce on guns...

2004-12-15T18:13:00.000-05:00

It seems to me that all too often, now, kids are looking to the gun as the ultimate answer to everything. They look at it as a way of becoming an adult and using it as the way to solve many issues that they face today like: defense, aggression, and getting even. You know, I have been around a long time and have never fired a gun... unless you count those crazy times with the potato gun, but that's besides the point and I was way drunk on the Jack. My point is that you don't need a gun to be a badass; look at me. I'm armed with nothing more than good looks and fists that could snap you like a twig, and I am the ultimate in superfly sexiness and wicked cool badass status. Point blank, guns suck, be a real man and fight like one. Check it.

Guns don't kill people...

the way my fists of fury do!

Watch your damn guttermouth, boy!

2004-12-14T13:05:00.000-05:00

Please enjoy this totally kickin' tune... or else.

Band: Guttermouth
Song: Bruce Lee vs. The Kiss Army
Genre: totally kick-ass music

~this song is no longer available~

(It appears that the music may be unavailable in Firefox or Mozilla. If this is true for you, I am sorry, but try IE or Netscape. Thank you and rock on!)

what I want for Christmas...

2004-12-13T13:36:00.000-05:00

I feel that since I have been a good mini and have always used my ability to kick major ass in an awesome sweet way for the good of mankind, that I am completely deserving of something that, at the very least, comes straight from the heart... like San Setsu-Kon Nunchaku or nuchcucks, for the not-so-savvy.
That's right, kids, three equal sticks of total kick-assness that can crack your skull just be looking at it the wrong way. It's sweet... it's sexy... it's deadly... and it's the perfect compliment to any supreme being, like me. Word.

Pulp Fiction reenactment #4: Jack Rabbit Slim's

2004-12-12T09:22:00.000-05:00

Here, I am playing the role of Vince, and miniMia is playing the role of Mia.

This is just the scene of the dance contest; no dialogue. Damn, I look sexy on the dance floor, right? John Travolta ain't got nothin' on me!

Pulp Fiction reenactment #3: Pride

2004-12-11T09:10:00.000-05:00

Here, I am playing the role of Butch, and miniMarsellus is playing the role of Marsellus.

miniMarsellus: Now the night of the fight, you may
feel a slight sting, that's pride
fuckin' wit ya. Fuck pride! Pride
only hurts, it never helps. Fight
through that shit. 'Cause a year
from now, when you're kickin' it in
the Caribbean you're gonna say,
"Marsellus Wallace was right."

miniBruce: I got no problem with that.

miniMarsellus: In the fifth, your ass goes down.

~miniBruce nods his head: "yes."~

miniMarsellus: Say it!

miniBruce: In the fifth, my ass goes down.

Pulp Fiction reenactment #2: Amsterdam

2004-12-10T17:27:00.000-05:00

Here, I am playing the role of Vincent, and miniJules is playing the role of Jules.

miniJules: -- okay now, tell me about the hash
bars?

miniBruce: So, what you want to know?

miniJules: Well, hash is legal there, right?

miniBruce: Yeah, it's legal, but it ain't a
hundred percent legal. I mean, you
can't walk into a restaurant, roll
a joint, and start puffin' away.
You're only supposed to smoke in
your home or certain designated
places.

miniJules: Those are hash bars?

miniBruce: Yeah, it breaks down like this:
it's legal to buy it, it's legal to
own it and, if you're the
proprietor of a hash bar, it's
legal to sell it. It's legal to
carry it, which doesn't really
matter 'cause -- get a load of this
-- if the cops stop you, it's
illegal for them to search you.
Searching you is a right that the
cops actually don't have.

miniJules: That's it, man -- I'm fuckin'
goin', that's all there is to it.

miniBruce: I know. You'll dig it the most.

Pulp Fiction reenactment #1: Foot Massage

2004-12-09T17:07:00.000-05:00

Here, I am playing the role of Jules and miniVincent is playing Vincent.

miniBruce: It ain't no ballpark either. Look
maybe your method of massage
differs from mine, but touchin' his
lady's feet, and stickin' your
tongue in her holyiest of holyies,
ain't the same ballpark, ain't the
same league, ain't even the same
fuckin' sport. Foot massages don't
mean shit.

miniVince: Have you ever given a foot massage?

miniBruce: Don't be tellin' me about foot
massages -- I'm the foot fuckin'
master.

miniVince: Given a lot of 'em?

miniBruce: Shit yeah. I got my technique down
man, I don't tickle or nothin'.

miniVince: Have you ever given a guy a foot
massage?

~moment of silence~

miniBruce: Fuck you.

procrastinate later...

2004-12-08T10:22:00.000-05:00

Hey kids! Ol' miniBruce wanted to take the time to remind those of you that are mailing Christmas packages to family, friends, and prison inmates to send them early to help ensure timely delivery. This is the time of the year that things get crazy and hectic. There's nothing worse than shipping Christmas presents that arrive on Valentine's Day. So, just remember, kids, stay on top of your package, so as not to ruin the enjoyment for everyone... especially the ladies.

daily pondering

2004-12-07T13:53:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think it would be cool to be a monkey... being able to swing from limb to limb in the jungle. Plus your feet would be hands, too. How cool is that?

my new ride...

2004-12-06T11:52:00.000-05:00

Yes, that's right folks... I got the new Jeep with the hella monster wheels. So, not only do I kick ass in a mega supreme way, but, now, my ride kicks ass in a way that will make all you sorry, rusted-out Corolla drivers tremble in your panties.

definition of the day...

2004-12-05T08:07:00.000-05:00

elephantitis noun an infectious tropical disease that is a form of filaiasis caused by parasitic worms which are transmitted by mosquitoes and which causes swelling in the genitals

cock a doodle doo, baby!

2004-12-04T09:52:00.000-05:00

Big cock, he's so damn big
Big cock, he even ate a pig
Big cock, a big cock for your mouth.
Big cock, and on thanksgiving
Big cock, is what you'll be given
Big cock , a big cock for your mouth
Big cock, he's so tasty
Big cock, sop him up with gravy
Big cock, a big cock for your mouth.
When I'm alone all I can do is think of you
And all the ways that I can give you...
Big cock!
~Fenix TX (The Rooster Song)

Who's house? Run's house!

2004-12-03T09:41:00.000-05:00

ah, once again my friend
not a trend for then
they said, rap was crap
but never had this band
till the ruler came
with a cooler name
make ya dance and prance and draw the fans to stades
name is Run my son
number one for fun
not a gun that's done and get done by none
the others act in fact ya just wack i kill

why?

because its fun my son and Run heads the bill!

random question...

2004-12-02T10:20:00.000-05:00

If you had an older sister that was a midget, would she still be your little sister?

knockin' the hooch...

2004-12-02T10:09:00.000-05:00

The day finally came that I was to face the keeper of the living room floor, Hooch. He had occupied the space for far too long... there was a new sheriff in town and this was not his first rodeo! The battle drew many parallels to the famous duel of David and Goliath. It didn't take long for the pooch to hit the ground... miniBruce was once again triumphant and the new ruler of the living room floor!

can you deal with that!!...

2004-12-01T11:17:00.000-05:00

Here I am in my infamous kickin' pose. I got two words for you, Roc: swift kick to your jaw!!! Betta' guard your grill, boy.

To see Roc Strongo's blog, click here

an evil twin?

2004-11-30T12:14:00.000-05:00

I was walking around, minding my own business, when I bumped into what appeared to be my evil twin! I didn't know that one existed, but, standing before me, was this miniBruce look-a-like... and he had wicked sweet moves like me. His speed was unbelievable. He looked cool in his 70's pirate shirt, too! We all know that this blog ain't big enough for the two of us. There had to be a showdown... a square off... a dual... a total kick ass expedition of skill and talent! As we started to shake hands, it hit me. I was looking into a mirror. All that time, I had believed that this mini had been standing before me... but he lives in mirrorland. If I figure out how to get into that place, you are so going down, evil miniBruce twin!!

the breakfast of champions...

2004-11-29T11:11:00.000-05:00

"Basically, I'm for anything that gets you through the night - be it prayer, tranquilizers or a bottle of Jack Daniels."
~Frank Sinatra

we'll meet again, Duke, and it won't be pretty!

2004-11-28T14:17:00.000-05:00

So, I'm just hanging out in the backyard, thinkin' about grillin' some chops, when, out of nowhere, Duke shows up. As a rule, we don't get along, and, now, I was on his turf. Forced to do only what a mini badass, such as myself, can do in a situation like this... I attacked. I went straight for the throat! But he got the upper hand that day. I had been drinking again. Mark my word, Duke, this won't happen again!!!

if you think i'm sexy...

2004-11-27T23:51:00.000-05:00

Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful! Here I am posing for my layout in the new Sexy Mini magazine due out in Jan of '05. David Hasselhoff eat your heart out!!

look into my eyes...

2004-11-26T13:19:00.000-05:00

you are getting sleepy... you feel yourself slowly drifting away... when I count to 3 you will be in a complete trance... 1... 2... 3
you will now bark like a dog and peck like a chicken at the sound of a doorbell...
you will now bow down to me, your new leader, King miniBruce...
and you will now get naked when I enter the room....
now, when I count to 3, you will come back out of the trance...
1... your slowly waking up...
2... you're almost there...
3
welcome back!

reflections on buddhism...

2004-11-25T12:46:00.000-05:00

"In Buddhism, there is no place for using effort. Just be ordinary and nothing special. Eat your food, move your bowels, pass water and when you're tired go and lie down. The ignorant will laugh at me, but the wise will understand."
~Bruce Lee, the OG

I'm coming for you Roc Strongo!

2004-11-24T16:42:00.000-05:00

And I will crush you like a little star marshmallow from a box of Lucky Charms... but the generic kind, like Magic Marshes or something! You suck. And I kick ass... especially yours.

To see Roc Strongo's blog, click here

kickin it oldschool...

2004-11-23T12:15:00.000-05:00

I am the original bBoy. I grew up in the Boogie Down Bronx in a time when, if you weren't funky fresh, you would get mauled by rabid kangaroos. If you thought that breakin died out in the eighties, you were wrong and you suck. Here I am kickin it oldschool...

kick him till he's dry...

2004-11-22T19:45:00.000-05:00

So, I'm hangin' out in this new underwater bar, trying to pick up this mermaid, and this big yellow sponge and a starfish start getting a little rowdy. The sponge starts pushing on me and talking smack. Well, we all had way too much to drink and one thing led to another....